Im not writing this for feedback or to garner encouragement, but to share the thoughts I had tonight at Cross fit. Just to let people know, I am not a jock or someone that likes exercise; I am just someone with a goal strong enough to continue.
In grade school, I was uncoordinated, non-athletic - on of the last picked when sides were chosen for baseball, etc. In Jr. high I was growing into my high school 90 lb weakling status. Along with the physical short comings came the mental short comings that led to not trying things or giving up if it was hard or embarrassing because I was clumsy or uncoordinated. As an adult that translated into not dancing, not working out in health clubs because I couldn't lift as much as guys that have been doing it for years, all stupidity.
So tonight, like other nights, but even more so since there were only 4 other "young" guys and one woman there, I was more visible. More attention from the instructor. Work out was.
15 X 3 of the following (recommended weight for men 95lbs.)
*overhead presses - done with good form.
* L pull-ups (you raise your legs out in front of you as the horizontal stroke of an L)* I can't even do one unassisted chin-up.
* split jerks
*Knees and elbows (hang from bar and jerk your knees to your elbow) *like I can even do one of these.
*Squat jerk
All my urges to quit were here tonight. I was clumsy with my form, unbalanced, weak, not strong enough. I was lifting three different weights a 22lb bar, a 33 lb, and a 42 lb bar. lightest bars in the place.
What am I doing here, why am I here, why am I embarrassing myself like this, also telling myself some choice things about my conditioning and what "the others" were thinking about me. I had to take some deep breaths and just continue. I went through the motions with light weights - they will strengthen me. I did rubber band chin ups until I could do no more and then I tried to pull myself up for 5 seconds and then relaxed and counted that as 1, because it was more than I have done before and it couldn't hurt - then I did it again. I couldn't raise myself any more, but I went through the motions straining my muscles so they would at least have muscle memory and have a head start the next time. I faked the knees and elbows exercise also, holding onto the bar and jumping and bending my knees up to my elbows and repeating the required number of times. It worked muscles and will help me do this in the future.
I know I will do these workouts for the next three weeks because they are part of my 1/2 marathon training. I thought I would set another goal to do 1 unassisted chin-up by mid January, but I don't think that is a hard enough goal. I think the first goal I need to set after the Las Vegas run is to continue going to the club. The goal is to overcome another legacy of my past, and a secondary goal of 1 unassisted chin-up as soon as possible.
So, as I said earlier, this posting isn't for feedback or to garner encouragement, it is to share that I am like you, weak in areas of my life, full of doubts in areas of my life, but I have the ability to adress and change these areas where I want to change them. If I overcome these fears in exercise, where else in my life will I grow because of the confidence and success I achieve? If I voice these fears and attitudes, the unveiling removes the power they hold over me.
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