THAT's ENOUGH, I QUIT!!!

Im not writing this for feedback or to garner encouragement, but to share the thoughts I had tonight at Cross fit.  Just to let people know, I am not a jock or someone that likes exercise; I am just someone with a goal strong enough to continue.

In grade school, I was uncoordinated, non-athletic - on of the last picked when sides were chosen for baseball, etc.  In Jr. high I was growing into my high school 90 lb weakling status.  Along with the physical short comings came the mental short comings that led to not trying things or giving up if it was hard or embarrassing because I was clumsy or uncoordinated. As an adult that translated into not dancing, not working out in health clubs because I couldn't lift as much as guys that have been doing it for years, all stupidity.

So tonight, like other nights, but even more so since there were only 4 other "young" guys and one woman there, I was more visible.  More attention from the instructor.  Work out was.

15 X 3 of the following (recommended weight for men 95lbs.)

  *overhead presses - done with good form.

* L pull-ups (you raise your legs out in front of you as the horizontal stroke of an L)* I can't even do one unassisted chin-up.

* split jerks

*Knees and elbows (hang from bar and jerk your knees to your elbow) *like I can even do one of these.

*Squat jerk

All my urges to quit were here tonight.  I was clumsy with my form, unbalanced, weak, not strong enough.  I was lifting three different weights a 22lb bar, a 33 lb, and a 42 lb bar.  lightest bars in the place. 

What am I doing here, why am I here, why am I embarrassing myself like this, also telling myself some choice things about my conditioning and what "the others" were thinking about me.  I had to take some deep breaths and just continue.  I went through the motions with light weights - they will strengthen me.  I did rubber band chin ups until I could do no more and then I tried to pull myself up for 5 seconds and then relaxed and counted that as 1, because it was more than I have done before and it couldn't hurt - then I did it again.  I couldn't raise myself any more, but I went through the motions straining my muscles so they would at least have muscle memory and have a head start the next time.  I faked the knees and elbows exercise also, holding onto the bar and jumping and bending my knees up to my elbows and repeating the required number of times.  It worked muscles and will help me do this in the future.

I know I will do these workouts for the next three weeks because they are part of my 1/2 marathon training.  I thought I would set another goal to do 1 unassisted chin-up by mid January, but I don't think that is a hard enough goal.  I think the first goal I need to set after the Las Vegas run is to continue going to the club.  The goal is to overcome another legacy of my past, and a secondary goal of 1 unassisted chin-up as soon as possible.

So, as I said earlier, this posting isn't for feedback or to garner encouragement, it is to share that I am like you, weak in areas of my life, full of doubts in areas of my life, but I have the ability to adress and change these areas where I want to change them.  If I overcome these fears in exercise, where else in my life will I grow because of the confidence and success I achieve?  If I voice these fears and attitudes, the unveiling removes the power they hold over me.

A different type of post.

"Someday is Today."  Some statement, but am I living it?  When it comes to experiencing new things and setting some goals... maybe; but I want to experience more.  Today, while watching a movie I realized that the experiences I am actively pursuing are individual experiences, they do not require emotional involvement with others.

"My Sister's Keeper" is a movie about a girl that was conceived to supply body parts for an older sister that had leukemia; she sued her parents to retain the medical rights to her body.  The movie was emotional and I think the actors gave a stellar performance when acting out the emotions one faces when dealing with the illness and the pain they face when a loved one is dying.  The survivors experience a need to do everything they can, to prolong the life of the one that is dying; it is an overwhelming task, even when it goes against the will of the dying person. 

While watching the movie, I choked up, cried tears and vividly remembered and experienced the very real physical/emotional pain I felt when JoAnn died.  I remembered that my chest and throat constricted to the point of pain and that I could not breathe.  I remember the part of my soul that was ripped away.  I thought, as I have before, why would anyone want to put themselves in that position again... why would I want to be in another relationship where I would take the chance of going through that loss again?  (I just experienced a great emotional heaviness and sigh and got teary eyed as I wrote this.)  On the other side of that coin, why would I want to expose a partner to that pain and loss if I were the one to get sick and die?

Is it any wonder that I attract and am attracted to women that are unavailable - married or too young?  This allows me to interact with women that meet some of my emotional needs and yet prevents the physical bonding and further cementing of a deeply spiritual and emotional relationship that will prevent me from again experiencing that greatest of all losses.

So why does this post belong here on this blog?  I believe that it is time to remove this thinking from my life so I can find a partner that will further enhance my life.  I am happy with my life and do not need a partner to make it better, but it would be nice to have someone to share it with, to be intimate with, to grow with and to share goals with.

Therefore, Some Day, I will attract available women into my life.

Training - Sunday 10/23/2011

This morning I ran for 2 hrs on the trails and logging roads behind Pt. Gamble.  I think I ran 9 miles.  My GPS is not working correctly.  What is usually logged as 9/10 or 1 mile was .7 miles,  After running up a trail, what should have put me over 2 miles was shown as 1.7 miles.  It was an interesting run as I did much better than I did last Sunday.  It seems the hill repeats and the Cross Fit training are working for me.  This week I will do hill repeats twice and Cross Fit twice.  I will need to rest on Friday and Saturday to let my legs rest and heal so they are fresh for the run.  It is called the Spooky 12K - put on by Poulsbo Running.
The first mile of my run seems to be the hardest and after I get past that mark, I can keep going.  It isn't easy, but it is easier than the first mile. 

Been a while since I updated the blog.  I have been posting my training on FB in a group I created called "Getting Fit"  This blog is a way to document more completely my training and thoughts of the Las Vegas Marathon (LVM) 

It is the 22nd of October.  I have joined Kitsap Cross Fit Gym.  It is not a gym like 24 hr Fitness or Bally's.  It is a gym for people that are serious about their training.  http://www.kitsapcrossfit.com/  I like it that I go, but I feel really out of shape - probably because I am.  I look at the workouts, which change daily and think "I can't do that - yet"  but I can do my best and not slack off. 

I went last Thursday and we were suppose to start doing 50 double ups (and then each rep reduce by 10), that is jump rope with the rope going around twice for each jump and if you cant do that, raise your knees high for each jump.  I raised my knees as high as I could for 50 jumps, then I did 30 sit ups, then 40 jumps and 30 sit ups, then 30 jumps and 25 sit ups (they were pretty sloppy at this time) then 20 jumps and 20 sit ups and then 10 jumps and 10 sit ups.  Oh yeah there was also weight lifting before that.

This training, for me, is not only a physical challenge, but mental and psychological challenge as well.  I have a goal so I need to do the best I can to reach it,  The psychological part of it has to do with not quitting because I am not good enough, and accepting the positive reinforcement that I get about how I am doing a great job, when I know that my form is falling apart and that I am not completing the task as listed on the Workout of the Day.