Funny the way blogs work.

Funny the way blogs work.  Reverse chronology.  If you enter the blog on the latest entry, you can miss the most important postings in the blog.  The initial post that explains what the blog is about, or why it was started.  That is the case with mine.

Do not read this private post. The title sounds like an invitation, but it isn't.

Wow, this blog was started seven years ago, the last post 2 tears ago, and it is still in my email signature, even though I have deleted it a few times.  I doubt anyone reads it any more, well not often anyway. So today I need to write some stuff, and I need it out in public, but I can't do it where most people will see it.  These are private thoughts that I would share with a close personal confident if I had one.

In December, a friend, committed suicide.  Apparently it was pretty dramatic, I found out a month later when condolences started showing up on her Facebook page.    I contacted her husband, and this was about three months later, he was doing fine, moving out of state, she was Bi-polar and I guess he had a hard time dealing with her in the relationship, and she felt guilty about it and finally ended it.  They were married over 20 years.

He moved to CA and within two months started posting that he had a pretty young girlfriend.  I don't understand how that can be?  where is the grieving period?  When Jo Ann died, it took me two years to finally go through the anger and acceptance stage of grieving.  I said I was ready to date, but 5 years after she died, I was watching a movie and realized I was scared to get into another relationship, because I didn't want someone else to go through the loss I went through, when Jo Ann died.  A time later (I don't know how long,) I realized I didn't want to go through another loss like that, it was too painful.  It was so painful, because Jo Ann is the love that taught me happy, long term relationships can exist.  Happily married, was not a contradiction in terms.  Made me realize that the world did not revolve around me in a relationship.  I don't understand men that can lose a spouse and date and/or re-marry in a year.

I was happy when I realized and gave voice to my fear of new relationships, and thought that would clear my mind and personality for a new relationship.  I figured if I bought a house and put plans in place for my retirement, love would just find me, I would meet someone new because I wasn't desperately searching for someone, but it hasn't happened.

It has been ten years since Jo Ann has died, and I am still alone.  I have tried computer dating, but it is a farce, at least for me, maybe it is because of the way I write my profile.  I try to write my truth, but I have been told, it isn't what will attract a woman, the few meetings I have had, have been failures.  I know what I want and .... I don't think it exists.

I have one friend set me up with someone and we had one date, it didn't go anywhere, she cancelled the next 3 things we had planned, without offering options.  My neighbour set up a meeting with what turned out to be a mother of a friend.  She was close to my age and thought being active was walking and doing water aerobics.

So this is where women will probably flame me, if this is read.  But honestly, this is how I think and feel and why I imagine I will be single for the rest of my long life.

My body's age is 63, but my mind, body and spirit feels around 36, and definitely younger than when my body was 36.  Over the decade since my wife, Jo Ann, died, the women in my age group have aged, and most of them, not gracefully.  It is one thing to love someone and grow old and fat with them and another to fall in love with an aged fat woman.  I will be flamed here, called a misogynist and that is not true.  Women and men are attracted to the same things.
Initially, attractiveness.  Security. Finally, love can occur if you are around someone long enough to get to know them, even if initially, you do not find them attractive.

I know I am starting to ramble, but I too, am discomforted by this admission, and wish it wasn't so.  I am a 36 year old, trapped in a 63 year old body.  I want to find someone that is fit, young in personality, active - running - intense exercise - body in good shape and healthy.

I want my friends to know the type of woman I want and to help me find her.

Thursday 11/20/2014

1 hour on the treadmill. I mile @ 5% grade (5-6 mph) 1 mile @ 12% grade (started at 4 mph dropped to 3.3), 1 mile 3-7 % grade varied (mostly around 5 mph) 1 mile walk @ 12% grade ( 3 and 3.3 mph)

Tough running the 12% and after completing that at around 31 minutes, I wanted to quit for the night and then remembered that I want to try and beat Ranger on Saturday – actually I had to start remembering that at around the ½ mile mark of the 12% grade.

Another thing that does keep me going is that I run to please God, because he has given me the health and fitness to run at this point in my life. The guys that I grew up with are all loosing their health, looking old and stiff and overweight. Sorta like I did 4 years ago. The youngest of the group is retired and on disability and another his age died a few days ago in a traffic accident. Yet another, the fittest, strongest, most athletic of us, also retired a few years ago and went to Mexico. I didn't recognize him until his daughter told me it was him. I have a lot to be thankful for in all areas of my life.

Neil's car accident just brings to mind how quick our life can end; we have no control of when, where or how it will happen, but it will. In many ways, I still have that feeling of immortality that young men have, yet I know that isn't true.

19 Days until the 1/2 marathon

Tuesday Nov 18, 2014

Tonight, 1 hour of leg shredding elliptical workout. I know some people trash ellipticals as a serious piece of exercise equipment, I wonder if they tried using the programing and if they worked at it or they thought they were just suppose to walk?

I have talked with Bob B and he suggested that I taper before the run and is trying to dissuade me from running on the Saturday before leaving for Hawaii.  Tapering is important, it allows the muscles to heal and rebuild.  I have been wondering, how much the heart is affected by heavy exercise; are the fibers in the heart torn down in long runs, like the leg muscles are?   Do they heal and repair themselves like the muscles in my legs.?  Would a weeks rest improve my heart as it will my legs?

Another concern I have about not running for a week and that is putting on weight before the run... I guess I'll need to just do a lot of walking and watch what I eat.  It is important to me that I do a good job on this run.

Monday

Rest day.  I walked on the ferry, it has been bitter cold in the morning and I have not been doing squats because I am not sure if my legs are warm enough and I don't want to tear anything.

Sunday Run 11/16/2014

Today, Sunday, training consisted of my 1 hour Running Injury Prevention clinic, a clinic put n by a Physical Therapist I have lots of respect for. I needed to use her professional services and she resolved other issues I had suffered with for years, during the course of her treatment. I am running stronger now, than before my injury.

The one hour of training is actually tougher than it would appear if you were watching it and is designed to improve my core, balance and lower body strength. Needless to say, my legs were fatigued before meeting Beth at Battle Point Park on Bainbridge Island.

We stated a single track trail that left the park and ran about a mile to the Grand Forest. We then ran trails through the Grand Forest and then back the first trail to Battle Point park, we then ran the trail, clockwise, against the majority of traffic back to our cars.

The weather was around 40 and sunny and it was enjoyable running with Beth. Beth has agreed to run with me on training runs to help get ready for my ½ marathon in Hawaii.

Today's run 15.85 km 2 hr 25 min. Not as far as last week, but an improvement. For those that know the Pt. Gamble trails, about 1.2 miles from the TH, is a trail – Ranger, the bottom trail is easy the top is steep. I made it most of the way up without stopping. I will own this trail either next Saturday or

the Saturday after. I'll try to get elevation information next week. Running this hill at the beginning sapped my strength

Experienced runners will walk a hill like this because they know they can walk it as fast as they can run it, or even if they walk it slower, they will have saved energy to make up the time after they reach the top of the hill. I know this, and will hopefully use the strategy on the Hawaiian run, where there are two large hills; but, I am training now and want to strengthen my legs and running so I stress them now.

It was a cold day today, and probably did get into the low mid 40. I was warm enough to be comfortable, but realize that the cold was affecting my muscles and probably core temperature, and that is one reason I didn't run as far – it sapped my strength.

I found a new trail at the beginning of the run, it followed the fence line of some property. The trail isn't used much and was root and rock strewn which were covered in fallen leaves. As I watched the ground, I started to see lots of questionable animal tracks, so I doubled back to the main trail; I think my main concern was sthe condition of the trail.

As I got tired on the trail and wanted to stop, I would tell myself that I needed to go a little further, because each time I pushed myself through the tiredness and pain, I would tear down the muscle and it would rebuild stronger, with more endurance so I could go further and stronger in the future.

I have found another trail that I am going to add to my run next week.

Good news about the Hawaiian run, a woman at work did it 3 years ago and said it was fun and doable. She and her sister did it in 3 hrs and they stopped along the way to visit “things”, to take pictures and to enjoy the scenery.

I am getting excited about this run.

I signed up to do the Turkey Trot on Bainbridge Island on Thanksgiving.

There is a 5K on New Years day I believe I will sign up for.