Funny the way blogs work.

Funny the way blogs work.  Reverse chronology.  If you enter the blog on the latest entry, you can miss the most important postings in the blog.  The initial post that explains what the blog is about, or why it was started.  That is the case with mine.

Do not read this private post. The title sounds like an invitation, but it isn't.

Wow, this blog was started seven years ago, the last post 2 tears ago, and it is still in my email signature, even though I have deleted it a few times.  I doubt anyone reads it any more, well not often anyway. So today I need to write some stuff, and I need it out in public, but I can't do it where most people will see it.  These are private thoughts that I would share with a close personal confident if I had one.

In December, a friend, committed suicide.  Apparently it was pretty dramatic, I found out a month later when condolences started showing up on her Facebook page.    I contacted her husband, and this was about three months later, he was doing fine, moving out of state, she was Bi-polar and I guess he had a hard time dealing with her in the relationship, and she felt guilty about it and finally ended it.  They were married over 20 years.

He moved to CA and within two months started posting that he had a pretty young girlfriend.  I don't understand how that can be?  where is the grieving period?  When Jo Ann died, it took me two years to finally go through the anger and acceptance stage of grieving.  I said I was ready to date, but 5 years after she died, I was watching a movie and realized I was scared to get into another relationship, because I didn't want someone else to go through the loss I went through, when Jo Ann died.  A time later (I don't know how long,) I realized I didn't want to go through another loss like that, it was too painful.  It was so painful, because Jo Ann is the love that taught me happy, long term relationships can exist.  Happily married, was not a contradiction in terms.  Made me realize that the world did not revolve around me in a relationship.  I don't understand men that can lose a spouse and date and/or re-marry in a year.

I was happy when I realized and gave voice to my fear of new relationships, and thought that would clear my mind and personality for a new relationship.  I figured if I bought a house and put plans in place for my retirement, love would just find me, I would meet someone new because I wasn't desperately searching for someone, but it hasn't happened.

It has been ten years since Jo Ann has died, and I am still alone.  I have tried computer dating, but it is a farce, at least for me, maybe it is because of the way I write my profile.  I try to write my truth, but I have been told, it isn't what will attract a woman, the few meetings I have had, have been failures.  I know what I want and .... I don't think it exists.

I have one friend set me up with someone and we had one date, it didn't go anywhere, she cancelled the next 3 things we had planned, without offering options.  My neighbour set up a meeting with what turned out to be a mother of a friend.  She was close to my age and thought being active was walking and doing water aerobics.

So this is where women will probably flame me, if this is read.  But honestly, this is how I think and feel and why I imagine I will be single for the rest of my long life.

My body's age is 63, but my mind, body and spirit feels around 36, and definitely younger than when my body was 36.  Over the decade since my wife, Jo Ann, died, the women in my age group have aged, and most of them, not gracefully.  It is one thing to love someone and grow old and fat with them and another to fall in love with an aged fat woman.  I will be flamed here, called a misogynist and that is not true.  Women and men are attracted to the same things.
Initially, attractiveness.  Security. Finally, love can occur if you are around someone long enough to get to know them, even if initially, you do not find them attractive.

I know I am starting to ramble, but I too, am discomforted by this admission, and wish it wasn't so.  I am a 36 year old, trapped in a 63 year old body.  I want to find someone that is fit, young in personality, active - running - intense exercise - body in good shape and healthy.

I want my friends to know the type of woman I want and to help me find her.